antimony (antimony) wrote,

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weekend summary...

Well, my last post before this was me griping about having an empty weekend. That turned out not to be a problem. Now I just need to recover from sleep deprivation.

Friday night, I went to the poly-boston coffee at Diesel, and then hung out with Dave, Eustacia, and Jerry until rather late at night. Dave had to drive me home, since the last bus was long past. And he didn't appear to be annoyed about this, which was good.

Saturday, Fractal and I ran around shopping, which was the first time I'd actually hung out with her in a while. Then We found separate computers to play IRC Truth-or-Dare with Swil/THS alums. That started around 7, although the actual game didn't start until 8, and I played until a little after 2am. I hope no-one tried to call me that evening, as I had the line tied up with the modem for the entire time. I can't say more about why the game was fun without breaking the "nothing leaves the room" rule, so I won't.

The only less-fun part of the evening was that Dave was unhappy, and I had to try to play counselor during Truth-or-Dare via private /msg. I didn't know what to say to him -- I'm not especially good at dealing with his stress, although I'm getting better at keeping it from making me unhappy. ('Cause then we just aggravate each others' problems, rather than helping anyone.)

Sunday, I got out of bed wayyyy too early to finish cooking for Dave's superbowl party. I couldn't tell if he was still upset, and I wasn't sure if I could handle more angst from him. He told me to come over around noon, and I got really worried. I assumed that meant he wanted to have enough time that we could have a fight and be calmed down in time to be gracious party hosts. Turns out he just wanted to get laid, which was far preferrable, and seemed to help both of our stress levels. The party was fun, and a lot of people showed up. Including Wyndam, and Dave was completely okay with me cuddling with him. Yay!

After the party, Dave started getting stressed again, and I really couldn't handle it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be what he needs. I hope I am. And I spent so much time, before, playing mindgames with both of us -- at the time, I believed the things I said, and only later did I realize how manipulative I was being. I don't want to do that again, but I need some defense mechanisms against his stress.

I need him to need me. Because when he's upset, he doesn't love anyone. I can deal with that if I know he needs me. It makes me strong enough not to become his emotional punching bag. And I waffle back-and-forth between desperately hoping he'll make new friends that he's comfortable enough with that he can ask them for help with some of his stress, and being terrified that if he makes new friends, he won't need me anymore.

There's this Soup Dragons song with the chorus "Eternal love, is never enough, dream on...". I think I'm starting to understand that.

I don't know how to give him what he needs. But I want him to be happier, both for his sake and mine. I wish I could make him happy. It tears me apart that I can't. But I'm learning to accept that.

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