antimony (antimony) wrote,

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back on track / random musings

I'm feeling better about academics, since I got my third (and last) midterm back, and it rocked as much as I thought it did while taking it, which was quite a bit. Since this is the class with the most challenging material, that's way cool.

It also, however, does go to prove that I learn best when over my head. The best grade I got last semester was in the class that had me in tears, repeatedly, 'cause I didn't understand any of the material. I need to be challenged, actively and consistently, to excel.

That's kind of disturbing. It means that I don't have much self-will -- something I knew, but it's weird to get a reminder when something *good* happens (rather than while berating my failure to do something I feel I ought to but don't have to do). I wonder how one acquires motivation. I don't think I'll ever have any, except for the motivation to make sure I'm putting myself in situations where the motivation will be thrust upon me. (Like going to Swarthmore, then MIT, to make myself study, like joining sports teams/clubs because I won't exercise otherwise, like trying to find jobs where I'm given concrete goals and deadlines.)

I wonder if I'll actually thrive in the Real World[tm]. I know I'll survive, since I'm reasonably good at that. I just wonder if it'll be good. I think my chances are reasonably good, if I continue to make sufficiently reasonable career choices. (Especially since once I have a real job, I can pay money to have people impose motivation on me, like taking art classes. Yes, that's kind of warped. Oh well.)

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