October 17th, 2001

periodic table

a public response (or lack thereof)

I'm to going to try not to make a public sympathy-play or hold a bitch session about the things Dave just said. I'll apologize for the ways I've wronged him, and leave it to him to figure out if he wants to do likewise.

I worry about him. I'm *not* trying to link my destiny with his -- I learned that I couldn't do that when it broke us up a year and a half ago. And, well, I thought it was working. I thought we were succeeding at a less committed relationship. I was still putting too much pressure on him to give me more of his time. I'm sorry, Dave. (Oh dear. Now I have HAL 2000 speaking in my head. Not so good, although it made me smile.)

I don't know that he and I can have a relationship on his terms. But I can't stop loving him, either. I fell asleep last night longing for the way he holds (held?) me in the mornings, tenderly.

And I'm sorry I made him feel like he wasn't good in bed, since it's not true.

I guess, when it comes down to it, all I can say is "Dave, I love you, and I'm sorry." I can't promise I won't do such things again if he and I patch things up -- I'm only human.

And I hurt, so much.

And my mom and sister are coming to visit this weekend/coming week. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. I don't really want to talk to them about all this, but they'll be able to tell something is wrong.
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