antimony

It's eerie around here. I don't like it. Damnit, what am I doing working for the military? The tension is mostly in my head, but it's still there. (Unlike ShimmeringJemmy, I didn't have any trouble. They didn't search my bag, and the only difference was that they checked our ID's at the base gate (which they don't usually do unless I'm on my bike) and they actually looked at my ID when I walked in, rather than just glancing to make sure I was flashing a little card.)

I don't want to be here anymore. I *like* my boss, *like* my research, but I don't want to be on an Air Force Base anymore. I want to go *home*. (And I don't know where home is, even.)

I need to be around people more. This *isn't* just because we may be going to war, it started before then. I can't take the amount of empty space around me anymore. I need to be living back in ML. I need to eat dinner with people. I need to be held. I can't take the oppresive silence around me anymore. I've slowly been turning into a hollow shell of a Sarah, and I want it to stop before I just stop being human anymore.

And I'm a clingy, neurotic, bitch, and I hate it. But I'm lonely, damnit, and I can't survive on my own. I'm too social, even if I'm not very good at being sociable.

( Me, having my regularly-scheduled nervous breakdownCollapse )

Just writing that last entry helped. (Note: it's friends-only, so if you don't see it, be thankful you don't have to listen to me bitch...) I was, in fact, fairly serious when I called this my "regularly-scheduled nervous breakdown". I do this every once in a while. I'm probably manic-depressive in some sense, but I'm coping with it. My coping mechanisms just include period rants, and, now that I have someplace to put them, they get to go here rather than just being screamed at the sky or tearfully explained to Dave or Jen. I'm actually reasonably happy with my life as-is, if I step back and look at it, but I have these recurring emotional hangups. I'll be okay in a few days. Meanwhile, I should try to figure out what I can do this evening to be around people. Anyone planning anything cool?